you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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