The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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