My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
