im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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