Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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