The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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