she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
