I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
