I'm so fucking centered right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
