Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
