how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
