you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
