remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
