I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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