if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
