It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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