Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
