Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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