We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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