I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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