Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
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