true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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