I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
