I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Randomize
