We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
