Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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