so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
