how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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