We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
