you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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