so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize