Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
