wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
ttyl tear gas
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And then he peed in my hair
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