I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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