Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
