What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
