Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
