I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
