Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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