i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
