The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
