god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm both gender and math confused
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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