You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
