I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
