his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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