whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
