maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize