You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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