My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
