Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Everyone says I win the strip club
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
