Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
