Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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