Your face is a jimmy john
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
