i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
