there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
