Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
