Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
