Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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