i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
